Perhaps a strange tag line, but its why I am in such a special location I need to think. You don’t know me and at this point in time that is just the way I need it. On a normal day this picture for me would only bring happiness but yesterday I said goodbye to my son, I knew it and he knew it, it was unspoken but the bond between father and son transcended the words he is not dead but he hates me to the point of wanting me dead, and himself . He is not mentally well and that is very hard to take, the dog knows, everyone know but no one knows.
How do you say goodbye, when your not ready?
There’s good days and bad days we all have them and at the moment I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. My actions will upset all those I love, no matter which way I turn.
In God we trust, is hard to believe, and the words God will only give you what you are strong enough to take. Well no father should watch the self destruction of their son, and see the welling up of darkness which is their life.
I hope you like the picture, sorry for the crappy words but I needed to talk to the WWW because no one needs to know, but I love my boys and hope there will always be two, but I am losing hope.
I’m strong, I’m strong, I’m weak, I’m crying.
Crying has a cleansing effect on the mind, I wish he could cry.
Sometimes being Dad isn’t all about Happy Meals
Going Slowly 
Life can be a bitch sometimes… Sorry for your pain.
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I’ve been where you are…well, not quite because I was the sister not the dad but I do know the heartache and heartbreak my sister’s mental illness took on my parents and myself.
I know what it’s like to be told that I am nothing to her, I know what it feels like to be pushed away and then pulled back in; over and over again.
To wait for ‘that’ phone call and dying a little inside every time the phone would ring.
It’s a tug of war, a game of life and death. Sadly, only God holds the rope firmly enough to give us the outcome we, Him included, desire.
It’s so hard to just ‘leave it in His hands’ I don’t think I ever fully grasped such a sacrifice. I mean, she’s my sister I’ve got to do EVERY possible thing 20 million times over if I have to, to save her right?
Well, I’m not sure how it happened but I know she’s still here today. I don’t believe it was anything I or my patents had or hadn’t done. We’d given up far too many times to admit but He hadn’t.
I’m not sure what finally snapped. I don’t possess the answer I know you are searching for. I do know though, how it feels to be in the grips of a darkness even breathing seems hard to accomplish. How physically sick I’d feel with overwhelming sadness, and ultimately how it feels to take matters into your own hands.
I wish I could tell your son that it WILL get better. That he IS loved and even though he cannot love himself at the moment but to just try and let others in to love him in the meantime. That there is help, he’s not ever alone and that I know the only answer he sees right now is death BUT that it isn’t the way out of his darkness. Smile on the good days and cry on the bad but baby don’t let this darkness win, you, you have far too much light in your eyes for such a terrible defeat. Turn up, every single day, just turn up and that is all. Until turning up isn’t so hard anymore. Then, well then, we’ll tell the others to do the same. Until the day we have so many people turning up that we can finally say we’ve arrived. 😉 By the way, I hear you. I know what your brokenness looks and feels like. I’ve been there, I’ve seen it, touched it, smelt it, felt it. I know. I also know that this isn’t the end. That there is more to life than death. That dying isn’t going to solve jack. You’re needed here, right now, even because of, and even though. Now, here, don’t leave, just ‘be’ for a moment til being becomes living again.
To you dad, doing you’re best to hold this brokeness together. Remember Jesus, even when there seems no other possible way that this is ever going to change. Remember that he holds the ropes and that it’s all going g to be okay. Never ever give up hope.
Peace and love, you’re all in my prayers…
Athena.
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